


I Don't Like You, But I Love You

by john_paul_george_ringo



Series: Johnica Week 2021 [4]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: 1986, F/M, Heavy Angst, I'm gonna put another angst tag it's that bad, Post-AKOM tour, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28768587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/john_paul_george_ringo/pseuds/john_paul_george_ringo
Summary: "Once we do this, John, there's no turning back," Veronica says."I know," he whispers."You really want a divorce?"
Relationships: John Deacon/Veronica Tetzlaff
Series: Johnica Week 2021 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2104602
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12
Collections: Johnica Week 2021





	I Don't Like You, But I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> Johnica Week Day Four - Forgiving

"Once we do this, John, there's no turning back," Veronica says, emotionless, as she sits next to her husband on a park bench, smoking a cigarette.

"I know." He whispers, taking a sip from his flask to warm himself up. It's a cold day, seeming to replicate the current feelings of the couple.

They'd been spending some time apart, for many reasons, but had decided to talk their issues through and come to a conclusion - which they had.

"You really want a divorce?" Ronnie bites the inside of her cheek, nervously tapping her foot. Divorce seemed like the only answer although it was the easy way out. Everyone around them were divorcing or splitting up and it just made sense that they did the same.

"It's for the best. Isn't it?" John can't make decisions without consulting his wife. He'd have to now. He's not even sure that he wants a divorce.

"I don't know. This will do all kinds of stuff to the children won't it?" Veronica takes another long drag of her cigarette, numbing the pain.

"Fuck, it will," John puts his head in his hands, "What changed?"

"What do you mean?"

"Between us... What went wrong?"

"A lot of things. I guess the unfaithfulness was a big issue and then lying to my face about it." As Veronica speaks, John's heart sinks.

"Sorry." He mumbles. What else could he say? There was no excuse for what he'd done. Now it was time to face the consequences.  
He feels so guilty that it hurts.

"I don't think that will cover it now. You've hurt me badly, John." Veronica would cry right now, but there aren't any tears left. She's cried herself to sleep almost every night since June - and it's September now.

"I know." A silence ensues. It's not a peaceful or blissful silence - it's cold, empty, and uncomfortable. 

"I guess that song of yours was right then." Ronnie breaks the silence, to John's relief.

"But will we be together forever? What will be my love? Can't you see I just don't know?" John finishes her thought. He could always finish her sentences now he wouldn't need to. As he takes a large gulp from his flask, Ronnie rolls her eyes and scoffs.

"That's another issue of yours. You and your drinking! It's ten in the morning for God's sake!" She spits.

"I'm trying to get better, Veronica but it's a little bit hard when you're about to get a divorce!" He raises his voice.

"Why didn't you try to get better after you threw your bass, or lost your driver's license? Why do you have to continue to hurt me? And our children!" Maybe she does have some tears left, as they come out now.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck..." John stands up, head in his hands, he can't deal with conflict well.

"I noticed when you stopped wearing your wedding ring, I was hurt, no, the children were hurt when you didn't phone them. You forgot your own son's birthday when you promised you'd call!" Veronica can't stop now, she has to let out almost ten years of pent up anger, "I noticed when you... when you were doing things with other women! You dare to wonder what went wrong in our relationship, yet you can't even realize how much of it is your fault!" She's stood up, practically shouting.

John grabs a hold of her wrists and stares at her with his grey eyes, which now appeared even greyer. He looks much older than he actually is, he's got bags under his eyes, worry lines engraved into his forehead. He seems to have aged twenty years in just a few months.

"I want to fix things but I can't if you won't tell me how I can make up for my mistakes! I don't want you to go! I don't want us to end! Not like this!" He's crying too.

"Maybe spend more time with the kids," she shakes herself away from his grip and picks up her bag, "it's unlikely that you'd get custody of them if you're the drunk, absent father. And if you didn't want us to divorce, why did you do all of those things to hurt me?"

"No... Don't. Ronnie, please. I thought I was your best friend..." the tears fall down John's cheeks like rain, the realization of what was happening finally kicking in. He'd grown up without a father and now it was likely that his children would have the same.

"Friends don't lie to each other, or make empty promises..." Veronica replies, her eyes avoiding his.

"Please... Don't do this to me!"

"Me? Do this to you? You were the one who suggested it, you were the one who did all those things that caused it! Don't make me the villain!"

"You did stuff to hurt me too!"

"Oh yeah? Like what?" Veronica snaps, rather taken aback.

"You made every single decision about the children, you wouldn't listen to me, and you constantly make me feel completely useless! Without me, you would just be a teacher!"

"Without you, I would be a whole lot happier that's for sure!"

John's heart seemed to stop. She would be happier without him? She would be happier without the children and the life that they had built together? Veronica's words hurt more than her actions where with John it was the opposite. Yin and yang or that is what everyone used to say about them. However, they were similar in the way that they took accountability for what they had done or said.

But this time, it didn't seem that Ronnie cared about his feelings anymore. Each word that she said felt like the stabbing of a thousand knives, attacking John's soul. Who could blame her when he'd done so much to hurt her? Ronnie's words hurt so much because she was right - she always seemed to be right about everything.

"Have a nice life John. I guess my lawyer will be in touch..." she sighs as she forces her wedding ring off her finger and places it into John's palm and closes his fingers around it. He watches in complete horror as she leaves.

It's more than just walking away from a bench, it's walking away from an eleven-year long marriage, it's walking away from the four beautiful children that they'd raised together, it's walking away from the man that she still loves despite all that has happened.

If Veronica looks past the lies and deceit, the hurt and distress, she still sees the man that she first fell in love with on that dance floor many years ago. She can still see his smile if she closes her eyes long enough, and the twinkle in his greenish eyes which she missed seeing every day.

The thought of him now, without his smile or that twinkle in his eyes makes her question all of this. Veronica just wants one last look at her husband, just to see what she's walking away from.

She knows it's stupid to look back at him, but when she does, she sees what her words have done to him. John's stood up still, eyes swollen, his face pale as if he's about to faint or vomit. Veronica knows that John can be better, that he can find happiness, but if she walks out of his life, drags his children away from him, she's only doing hurting him in the same way that he has to her. 

For the first time in a long time, Veronica's heart is leading the way, not her brain. Her heart leads her back to John's side. He looks up at her, not knowing what to do or say.

"You've done all these things to hurt me, yet I still love you. And if I leave you, and take the children away, you're not going to get better." She whispers, breathlessly. "And that's all I want from you."

John's hand clutches at his heart, as he tries to understand what she's saying.

"There's no point in throwing away all that we've done together just because we can't work this all out. I think we should get help, together, and not get a divorce."

"Really?"

"I want to get through this for the children. We can't give up. We have to save our marriage for their sake."

"I couldn't agree more."

"But look at me," John looks into Ronnie's eyes, "I'll forgive you, John, but I'll never forget this. Any of this. If we choose the hard way, we can't bail out when it gets difficult."

"I won't," John assures her, "and I'm going to stop drinking so much or stop altogether if that's best for the family. I'll spend all of my free time with you and the kids, and I'll make it my priority, over everything. And I'm going to get help." He explains, his voice breaking.

"Could I have my ring back?" She glances down at his closed hand which he opened and then placed the piece of metal onto her finger. Although he wants to kiss her, he feels that it's a little too soon, but he interlocks his hand with hers with a broken smile.

He'd feared that he'd leave this park bench alone and wouldn't know what to do with himself - she'd feared the same - but now, as they somewhat uncomfortably strolled down the path, things seemed to already feel better.

John had lied to Veronica a lot over the past few years, but this time she could tell he was sincere. Ronnie had felt so much pain and anguish recently, but now things were going to change. For good.

They're both hurt, by each other and by their own actions, yet their love remains. There's going to be a lot of pain and hardship over however many years it takes to save their relationship. And just like marriage, it's going to be a commitment, and just like a divorce, it's going to hurt - but they're going to keep going.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I feel like this fic is the complete opposite of any that I've written, and it's definitely the most depressing out of all of them. It was really hard to write this, especially the dialogue (literally cried writing it) because it's so heartbreaking to describe the pain that both of them felt at that time. But it's strangely my favorite fic from this week. See you tomorrow for something a little less sad! :)


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